note: this is not a kid-friendly post...
It's not that bad.
That's what I keep telling myself. I have a good life. A great husband, two kids who love me like crazy, a safe home, food to eat, money in the bank, my husband's stable job with great medical coverage, reliable transportation, etc. etc. etc. ... I am abundantly blessed. So very, very many people have things so much harder than I do. It's not that bad.
It's not working.
No matter how many times I repeat that mantra, it's not helping. I've spent the last 6 hours in my darkened room, unable to get on with my day. After the next dose of xanax, I tell myself - then I'll be able to go to the store. But, I take the dose, try to leave my room, and my heart starts pounding and the blood starts rushing and as the panic rises I just give up and go back to the darkness. Watch another show on my laptop - escape to another reality. Live someone else's life.
But I don't know why. My reality is not bad. It's actually quite good, aside from the kinks that autism puts into it. Why can't I bring myself to live my own life? Am I really just that lazy?
It's a few minutes before 3, and I have about 30 more minutes before the kids start coming home and I need to pull myself together, to try to pretend that Mom's not losing it. The sad thing is, they know. Even Sarah - developmental delays and all - I'm not even good enough to fool her.
The irony of it all? That this episode of panic/anxiety that has gripped me for the last 12 days was brought on by me trying to be a better mom for them. I wanted to deal with the depression that had been haunting me; to take back my life and be a wife and mom who laughed, who didn't take everything so seriously, who actually enjoyed life, and enjoyed spending time with her kids.
So at my annual physical, I got a prescription for Zoloft, which had helped me before.
And 8 hours later, I was in the ER, scarring both myself and my youngest daughter with a 911 call that brought police, medics, and an ambulance ride into my life. Living the agony of being so anxious that you KNOW you are going to die while your husband is in another state and your kids are staying with a kindly woman who doesn't have a lot of experience with autism...and needs to go to work in a few hours. I will never ever again marginalize anyone who suffers from a panic disorder. There is a voice in your head, telling you that you're not rational, but your body is not listening, and it's terrifying.
The doctors tell me to keep taking the meds, these side effects will go away, that sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. I hope so, because my quest to be a better mom has currently had quite the opposite effect. I've had a few okay days since, but today is a step back. Today I just want to WANT to leave my bedroom.
2 comments:
Oh, Laura! I want you to WANT to leave your bedroom, too. Having never suffered from depression, I don't fully understand what you are experiencing, but I do know it is REAL. It's not a matter of being lazy, and I hope you don't really feel like it is.
I hope the side effects lessen quickly and you get what you need out of the meds sooner rather than later.
It doesn't always help, but remember that you are LOVED by more people than you realize.
Hope you're having a much better day today.
P.S. I've missed your posts. So, while this wasn't exactly a happy one, I'm still glad to have you back in the ole blogosphere. :)
The solution to your problem is simple. Pick yourself up and keep on going. You can do it. Here are some words to inspire you from people who are more wise than me:
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second. ~William James
If you are going through hell, keep going. ~ Winston Churchill
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope ~ Romans 5:3-4
For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again, But the wicked stumble in time of calamity. ~ Proverbs 24:16
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